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Failed International AdoptionA failed international adoption is rare, but it does occur. And while a disrupted adoption is one of the last things you want to think about as you plan for your adoption, knowing the warning signs will help prevent such a traumatic event from happening to you.
Why do Adoptions Disrupt?According to Lois Ruskai Melina, author of Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent ,
there are three reasons why a failed international adoption would occur.
Radical Change of Lifestyle for Your ChildLet's say you lived in an isolated portion of the country, and your older adopted child was used to living the fast-paced city life. Your child may have difficulty adjusting to a different setting, and if not addressed, this could lead to a failed international adoption.Unforeseen TragediesWhen one parent dies, or when there is divorce, this puts extreme pressure on a family. An adopted child or adoptive parent may be tempted to call it quits.Either the Parents or the Child Weren't Ready for AdoptionThis is the main cause for a failed international adoption, and it is not always tied to the child's behavior. The social worker who conducted our home study told me of a couple who adopted a lovely three-year-old child. Soon after bringing the boy home, the adoptive parents realized they weren't up to the task of raising a toddler. They contacted the social worker who found another home where the child is now doing well.Such cases are rare, but they do happen. Both the parents and the child must be ready for an adoption and willing to make it work. Parents who are adopting an older child with serious behavior issues, must have the skills to deal with that child and be willing to stick it out. What Type of Adoptions are Likely to Disrupt?Failed international adoptions are more likely to involve older children than younger ones. Another issue that can trigger an adoption disruption is how many homes a child has lived in before he was adopted by you. If a child has been moved from one home to the next, and then to another home, he may actually prefer being moved out of your home rather than deal with difficult issues.Factors that can Trigger a Failed International AdoptionThese include stressful times in both the lives of the adopted child and the family, such as moving to another location or school, adolescence and during the adjustment period.Warning Signs of an Impending Disruption
According to Melina, the early signs include stress and tension that not only do not ease as time goes on but actually start increasing.
In the next, more dangerous step, the parents will start complaining about the child and become unfairly critical. All children make mistakes, but if you find fault in everything your adopted child does, then you could be heading for a failed international adoption. If you don't recognize and address these early warning signs, it will be harder to resolve these issues as time goes by. You may actually experience a calm before the storm. The conflict isn't resolved, but everybody ignores it and acts as if everything is okay. Left unresolved, these issues eventually resurface with even greater force and cause a failed international adoption. Sadly, just like in a lot of failed marriages, most parents don't contact the adoption agency until it is too late, and they simply want to end the adoption. Thinking About Calling it QuitsPlease think twice, and seek counseling. While a disruption may seem like the best solution, it rarely is. Instead it causes trauma, pain, guilt and unresolved conflict that could last a lifetime and even destroy your marriage.Instead, fight for your relationship both with prayer and counseling. Start talking, not about each other but to each other. Open communication and getting help early are the keys to avoiding a failed international adoption. More Information on Raising Adopted ChildrenAre you single and thinking about adopting? It can be tough to be a kid raised by a single parent, but there are also advantages to being a single parent.Adopted children who are now grown can tell us a lot about how to raise an adopted child. Here are some tips. The first time you hold that precious child in your arms, you may be tempted to protect her from every conceivable harm. But that may not be the best thing for her. Here are some reasons to avoid helicopter parenting. |
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